law school lessons

So these first two months of law school have been eye opening, interesting and in some cases (pun intended downright weird). There are a couple of law school life lessons I would like to impart on everyone so you can gain that upper advantage, just in case some crazy person sues you and you hire me and we need an easy win.
1) do not touch anyone. Ever. and if you feel the need to pat your friend on the back for a job well done or give your husband a hug (or on the torts midterm a ‘fondle’ underneath the table at dinner) please ask permission first. Seriously, ask permission, and even if they give permission think twice and just put your hand back down. 
2) keep a written, electronic, verbal, whatever kind of record of everything you say all the time. You never know when someone who is mad at you is going to sue you for breach of contract when all you thought you were agreeing to is buying a soda… seriously keep a record of everything! 
3) on the flip side of #2 do not let anyone keep a record of what you say. If you always call them and they do not have a record of your words then they cannot prove anything. Slam. Dunk. 
4) if you can live your life off the grid do it, if no one knows you exist how can they sue you? Yeah figure that one out.
5) complain to your cat, dog, pet bird, the squirrel outside your window, to anything/one that cannot repeat what you said. If you B about anything how can they know? Unless they have followed #2 to the extreme and have place hidden cameras or recording devices…. hmmmmmm
hope these lessons have helped you! If you ever need legal services dont hesitate to contact me… in three years… otherwise I can repeat everything you say since I’m not a lawyer….