This might be a little deep for some people who are just passing by so you might want to skip it but for those who care I feel like I need to talk about something that has been weighing heavily on my mind for the past month.
Some of you might have noticed that posts and pictures have been taken down of Zach. If you really go back through the blog I have purged almost every single mention of him. I did it quietly without public attention because I felt that doing so would him the satisfaction of knowing I was angry and in pain and I didn’t want him to “win”. But now I realize that I wanted to “win” a lot during our relationship and I need to give that up.
I don’t have to win all the time or really at all because that isn’t what life is about and it should be how I view life. I shouldn’t be focusing on him: is he hurting too? is he dating? how can he just stop loving me? I should be focusing on me and own my personal growth. Now that he is gone I have so much empty time to reflect on me and I don’t like everything I see. It’s difficult to face.
I purged my apartment like I purged this blog. Everything that I could put away I did. He and those artifacts are locked in a box under my bed. Sometimes I feel its heartbeat like Poe’s Tell-Tale Heart. After I pushed the box under bed I looked around to see if I had missed anything and of course I had. He was a part of my life for over 5 years and there are things I couldn’t just push under the bed. He painted the red wall in my apartment. The couch in my apartment was originally his family’s. He gave me Poppy as a birthday present. he has the same tv stand and bookshelves. He put together every piece of furniture in my apartment. Those memories I can’t just push beneath the bed, I face those every day.
I don’t sleep a lot and since the breakup it’s gotten worse, dreams tend to regurgitate everything in neon bright truth and then change to hazy pastels from memories. I don’t want to sleep but I know I need it. I don’t want to dream but I know I can’t stop it. My lovely Aunt is a PA in a sleep clinic and I know she’s going to tell me that dreams only get worse when you don’t sleep but sleeping is almost too scary.
I can’t regret anything. The five and a half years I spent with him made me into the person I am today and while I’m not completly satisfied with myself I know I’m not a bad person. So if he had influence in who I am today, if he taught me what to look for in a relationship, and if all these things combine to make my future brighter then I can’t regret those years or him. He wasn’t a mistake. I truly believe we loved each other and since I don’t think you can abruptly stop loving or caring for someone we might still love each other so how can I regret years of love? How can I call love a mistake?
So here it is. Me telling everyone my heart is completely and utterly broken. That I am working through it. And that nobody wins because life isn’t about winning. It’s about loving. Loving God. Loving others. And loving yourself.